The Indispensable Calvin and Hobbes

I made a big decision a little while ago.

I don't remember what it was, which prob'ly goes to show

That many times a simple choice can prove to be essential

Even though it often might appear inconsequential.

I must have been distracted when I left my home because

Left or right I'm sure I went. (I wonder which it was!)

Anyway, I never veered: I walked in that direction

Utterly absorbed, it seems, in quiet introspection.

For no reason I can think of, I've wandered far astray.

And that is how I got to where I find myself today.

Explorers are we, intrepid and bold,

Out in the wild, amongst wonders untold.

Equipped wit our wits, a map, and a snack,

We're searching for fun and we're on the right track!

My mother has eyes on the back of her head!

I don't quite believe it, but that's what she said.

She explained that she'd been so uniquely endowed

To catch me when I did Things Not Allowed.

I think she must also have eyes on her rear.

I've noticed her hindsight is usually clear.

At night my mind does not much care

If what it thinks is here or there.

It tells me stories it invents

And makes up things that don't make sense.

I don't know why it does this stuff.

The real world seems quite weird enough.

What if my bones were in a museum,

Where aliens paid good money to see 'em?

And suppose that they'd put me together all wrong,

Sticking bones on to bones where they didn't belong!

Imagine phalanges, pelvis, and spine

Welded to mandibles that once had been mine!

With each misassemblage, the error compounded,

The aliens would draw back in terror, astounded!

Their textbooks would show me in grim illustration,

The most hideous thing ever seen in creation!

The museum would commission a model in plaster

Of ME, to be called, "Evolution's Disaster"!

And paleontologists there would debate

Dozens of theories to help postulate

How man survived for those thousands of years

With teeth-covered arms growing out of his ears!

Oh, I hope that I'm never in such manner displayed,

No matter HOW much to see me the aliens paid.

I did not want to go with them.

Alas, I had no choice.

This was made quite clear to me

In threat'ning tones of voice.

I protested mightily

And scrambled 'cross the floor.

But though I grabbed the furniture,

they dragged me out of the door.

In the car, I screamed and moaned.

I cried my red eyes dry.

The window down, I yelled for help

To people we passed by.

Mom and Dad can make the rules

And certain things forbid,

But I can make them wish that they

Had never had a kid.

Now I'm in bed,

The sheets pulled to my head.

My tiger is here making Zs.

He's furry and hot.

He takes up a lot

Of the bed and he's hogging the breeze.